My Top 10 Final Fantasy Songs

I am trying to compile my top 10 Final Fantasy songs to be shared with a bunch of people who has never listened to video games music before.

This is going to be a long night.

UPDATED (version 3):

Ok, after about 5 hours of going back and forth and sieving through more than 40 albums, these are my final 10 picks:

1. To Zanarkand ~ this is the first piece of music that you hear when you play Final Fantasy X and Tidus ending his monologue with “…this is my story,”. Final Fantasy X is special in many ways – awesome graphics, complex yet engaging storyline, great combat and gameplay. This song becomes especially significant when a very shocking revelation was uncovered in Act III of the game i.e. that Tidus himself is an Aeon (guardian force), summoned in the dreams of the remaining summoners of Zanarkand to end their 1,000 years’ sleep by breaking the cycle of destruction and devastation on Spira once and for all.

2. Endless Sorrow ~ I am particularly drawn to the music of Final Fantasy IX because the soundtrack is diverse and contradictory – some songs are whimsical and joyful, and then there are songs like Endless Sorrow that evokes sadness and nostalgia. This was Nobuo Uematsu’s last score for the series and I was pleasantly surprised when in interviews he said that due to the fantasy nature of Final Fantasy IX, he wrote the score so that “a serious piece as well as silly, fun pieces could fit in.” This piece was played when Princess Garnet returned to (a destroyed) Alexandria to become its Queen, in the cutscenes for other characters in the game right before the (hilarious) love letter scene between Beatrix and Steiner took place.

3. Battle on the Big Bridge ~ this is the theme song for Gilgamesh, a recurring character in Final Fantasy series. He made his debut in Final Fantasy V as a bad guy; in other Final Fantasy games he is a harmless, pun-spewing sword collector who steals other people’s sword in his search for Excalibur. He is a scene-stealer and gets the best lines. This frenetic, crazy piece describes him perfectly. Square Enix should make a standalone game about him already.

4. Rose of May ~ If you have the chance to play Final Fantasy IX, you will come across a non-playable, badass character called General Beatrix who is known as the best swordsman in the continent. Now, why do I choose this song? Because it is so contradictory to her outward character that is seen as merciless and arrogant (her nickname is “the cold-blooded woman that silences even the crying infant”). This song reveals the true Beatrice: soft-spoken, respectable, fiercely loyal and ever-ready to die for her country and queen. But try to push her over and she will slice you with her blade. I love her.

5. Town Theme ~ I can’t even remember which game featured this song. But when I heard it performed in a doowop style at the Voices concert a few years ago, I unexpectedly started humming along and could not get it out of my head until I went online and looked it up. This was from Final Fantasy II and played every time your characters enter a town. Do you know what’s great about Final Fantasy II? It was when chocobos (big, giant chicken that you can ride) were introduced! Which takes me to the next song…

6. Chocobo Theme ~ This was a cover by Moonbow using the version played in Final Fantasy III. Chocobos are hard to tame and its side quests are always so ridiculously hard to complete. But riding a chocobo is an awesome possum experience (though it doesn’t always run in the direction where you want it to go). Kinda like the music which is jumpy and all over the place.

7. Dewdrops at Dawn ~ this is, hands down, the saddest piece of music in the Final Fantasy XV soundtrack. It is played after the game is over and the end-credits are paused midway to play a cutscene of dawn breaking and sunlight slowly piercing through the dark clouds. This piece is so good that you would have gotten that imagery in your head without me explaining it to you. Why the saddest? The name of the main character of the game is Noctis, which is Latin for “of the Night”. When dawn breaks… night ends. The last frame of the cutscene shows four camping chairs facing the Crown City of Insomnia. Just slays.

8. Vamo’ Alla Flamenco ~ the third song from Final Fantasy IX that made my list. I selected an acoustic guitar version by Daisuke Minamizawa because I think he perfectly captures the silly exaggeration and exuberance of a swordfight between two bumbling theatre actors. Best lagu ni. Makes me tap my feet. I can’t play the guitar like this :(

9. Somnus (Sleep) ~ the truth is Yoko Shimamura did a terrific job writing the score for Final Fantasy XV. Somnus is actually the first piece that she wrote ten years ago when it was still known as Versus XIII so I have been listening to this for 10 long years before the game was finally released. The lyric was written in Japanese (and then translated into Latin for its vocals) by Nomura Tetsuya who (originally) conceptualised the game before passing the helm to Tabata Hajime in order to focus on the remake of Final Fantasy VII. This is my favourite piece in the game, and most probably in the whole series.I loved it when I first heard it, loved it even more as I played the game and came to realize what Noctis has to do when he ascends as King. To me it speaks of indescribable love, sacrifice, bravery, loyalty and, most importantly, about upholding the trust and responsibility that is entrusted to you even if it is at the cost of your own life. Walk tall, my friends.

10. Main theme ~ the song that starts it all. This version was released to celebrate Final Fantasy 30th Anniversary. The one song that ties and binds them all. So much feels.

Can you tell how much I love the series?

p/s: there are many songs that I left out of the top 10 such as Aerith’s Theme and One Winged Angel from Final Fantasy VII, Dalmasca Estersand from Final Fantasy XII and Why from Crisis Core and so on. These, to me, are very specific to the game (and scene) that it is featured in. So it loses impact particularly on those who have never played a single Final Fantasy game.

For this list, I wanted to showcase the diverse musical styles in video games music and their versatility. So I picked songs that are striking in terms of musical arrangement, and evocative and expressive in terms of feelings and imagery so that non-players could relate to them too.

And that, as they say, is that.

(To listen to all of them in the versions that I have selected, click the youtube playlist below.)

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How To Conduct a KL Greet (via KL Greeters Network)


Being a KL Greeter is a great way to get to know the city and re-learn to fall in love with it all over again.

If you would like to volunteer as a KL Greeter, or if you are looking for a KL Greeter to assist you with your visit, go to


I received a lot of questions about this. But first, let me explain to you what this thing is all about.

The Global Greeters Network is a worldwide network of volunteers that take tourists around their cities and teach them the basics like how to use train system, read maps, places to eat etc. You spend between 2-8hours per greet, depending on how much time you have and what the guests want to see.

There are many ways to customise a Greet. But the basic preparation would be to arm yourself with the KL Tourist map and LRT/GoKL map (easily available at info counter in KL Sentral). Then, map out where you want to take the guests and use Wikipedia and Google Maps to aid you; once you get the hang of this it should be a cinch.

Find out what the guests want to see, their dietary requirements, age group (kids need toilet breaks!) and find out where is the nearest washroom, money changer and prepaid card booth. Teach them how to use GrabCar or how buy LRT tokens and simple phrases like terima kasih, campur-campur, -lah, alamak and so on.

My standard 2-hour Greet would normally cover the following:

00:00 Meet at KL Sentral

  • Go to the information counter in front of McDonald’s and request for the KL City Map.
  • I usually bring a marker pen to mark interesting locations that the guests may want to check out at their leisure.
  • I also mark out KL Sentral and the nearest train station to their hotel and remind them that if they are lost, simply find the pink LRT line and pick KL Sentral as the destination where they can regroup and get their bearing.

00:05 General Briefing

  • I will explain about what we are about to do and the places that we are going to visit to check if these are okay with the guests. I change the itinerary if they would like to see anything specific.
  • If the guests are unfamiliar with taking public transportation, I spend a little time to teach them how to buy LRT tokens and show them how to use the GrabCar app.
  • If all is well, we will then buy a token to go to Pasar Seni LRT Station (Central Market).

00:10 Pasar Seni LRT Station

  • During the ride, I point out the old KTM Railway Station, talk about its architecture.
  • Point out the Klang River and explain the origin of the name Kuala Lumpur.
  • Explain a little bit about KL/Malaysia history (major tin exporter, turn agriculture, turn manufacturing and k-economy).
  • Point out Kompleks Dayabumi and its Islamic-inspired architecture.

Arch Collection Kebaya

00:15 Central Market (Pasar Seni)

  • Before entering CM, give a little backstory about the building and what the guests can expect to see in there.
  • Start with the shops on the LEFT side: the shop lanes are divided into 4 categories – Little India, Malay Street, Little China and Peranakan.
  • Explain a little bit about the various races and cultures, the rise and fall of Melaka, colonization by the various European super powers (and the reasons why).
  • Bring them to the Arch Collection shop on the RIGHT side to show the guests examples of wood carving. I always point out the Baju Kebaya and the traditional Malay House.
  • Somewhere in the middle lane there is this great little (un-named) stall that sells various figurines in traditional costumes. This is good stop to show the guests our traditional and matrimonial costumes. The shopgirl is very nice so don’t be shy to ask for her permission to use her stall as a showcase.

00:45 Central Market Annexe Gallery and Flea Market

  • If they have interest in arts and books, take them to the Annexe Gallery.
    Then turn right into the open flea market on Jalan Hang Kasturi and walk all the way down to Jalan Tun H.S. Lee to get to Petaling Street.
  • Usually this is when I will ask the group if they would like to stop for a quick teh tarik and roti canai break. Btw, being a greeter is a voluntary thing therefore you should not expect your guests to pay you for your time or expenses. If you were the one who suggested the stop, please pick up the bill. If the guests request for it, do pay for your own meal.
  • Explain about roti canai and teh tarik and other kinds of food that are staples to the Malaysian diet like nasi lemak, laksa, durian etc. I usually order 4 kinds of drinks and ask the guests to try them: teh tarik, milo ais, nescafe ais and teh o ais. This is a good time to whip out any youtube video on teh tarik so that the guests can see how it is made.


00:50 Petaling Street

  • This is where you can coax the guests to try various street food (if you are up to it). I usually use this time to let them soak in the sight and atmosphere.
  • If the guests are interested in buying anything, help them to haggle.

01:00 Jalan Tun H.S. Lee – Guan Di Temple

  • Explain about the road and why it was renamed Jalan Tun H. S. Lee.
    Talk a little bit about our road to independence, integration and so on.
  • Stop at Guan Di (aka Kuan Ti) Temple on the left side of the road.
  • Explain about the two lions and the Door Gods that are guarding the door, and about Guan Di deity.
  • During day time, usually guests would spend quite a bit of time here to take photos.

01:15 Jalan Tun H. S. Lee – Sri Maha Mariamman Temple

  • This temple is only about a minute’s walk away from Guan Di Temple.
    You will be asked to remove your shoes before you enter. It is customary to donate a small amount of money when you retrieve your shoes.
  • Briefly talk about its history, point out deities and scenes from Ramayana; segue into Thaipusam and Batu Caves, puja prayers etc. To be honest, this is where I am weakest so I need to learn more about this temple so that I could be more accurate when talking about it to the guests. The temple itself is calm, serene and magnificent.

01:30 MRT Pasar Seni or Pasar Seni LRT Station

  • Walk towards the end the road and then turn right at the traffic light. I usually ask guests if they would like to take the MRT to go to Bukit Bintang, or if they would like to go to KLCC Twin Towers. For this article, let’s assume they choose KLCC.
  • Go back to Pasar Seni LRT Station, point out the free GoKL bus and explain to them that they can hop on/off any time and to refer to the KL Map in order to check the area that individual buses cover. If guests would like to go to Little India, I would take them to Brickfields (via Nu Sentral) and end the Greet there.

01:35 KLCC LRT Station

  • There are several things to do here. Check if they want to go to the Petronas Galeri, Petrosains, Observation Deck, MPO or Akuaria; tell them the entrance fees to help them consider if these are right for them.
  • Take them to KLCC Park lookout point so that they can take photos of the Twin Towers; if the greet takes place at night, take a break and sit on the steps by the fountain to enjoy the light show.

02:00 KLCC C Level (Concourse), near Maybank/Guardian

  • Point out the route to Akuaria/KL Convention Centre and give them directions to Pavilion/Bukit Bintang.

That’s it. The Greet ends here. I normally teach the guests how to do salam the Malay way, ask them to text or call me if they get lost or need assistance, wish them happy holidays and let them be on their way.


These are the Top 3 questions that I get whenever I do a greet:

  1. Why does everyone in Malaysia seem to be able to speak in English
  2. How are Malaysians able to accept and be respectful of each other’s religion? (Usually asked after we go to Guan Di Temple and Sri Maha Mariamman Temple.)
  3. How do Malaysians learn to live together when there are so many different races and cultures? (Always when we stop for a teh tarik and roti canai break.)
  4. Bonus question: As a Muslim woman, don’t you think wearing the hijab is repressive and a means for the religion to control woman?

I have also been asked about the palm oil controversy (the unethical clearing of forests and that palm oil is bad for you), the quality of water (somehow, European travel guides mislead tourists into believing that our tap water is dangerous — I was told that some of the guests were even advised to use bottled water to brush their teeth and to never order iced drinks coz you could get a tummy ache!), and of course, Islam and life as a female Malay Muslim.

Keen? You sign up as a Greeter, then once you are vetted, the network will start sending you requests that match your preference. If you want to join me in my next Greet so that you can see how it is being done, hit me in the comments section!

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Final Fantasy XV: A Review


I have been delaying playing the final chapter of Final Fantasy XV (FF15) for weeks. No more. Over the weekend, I took the plunge and walked Noctis Lucis Caelum to his ascension as the True King.

FF15 storyline is straightforward: two countries are at war and an unexplained darkness, called Starscourge, is engulfing the world, making daylight shorter and shorter. The only person who could hold the Starscourge back is Lunafreya, an Oracle (priestess) from the land of Tenebrae. Over centuries, Oracles of Tenebrae have been journeying across warring lands to seek people who have been afflicted by Starscourge and heal them. However, the Oracle’s more important (and concealed) role is to communicate with the Six Astrals (Titan, Ramuh, Shiva, Ifrit, Leviathan and Bahamut) and plead them to forge covenants and lend their power to the True King so that he may rise and end the war and rid the world of the Starscourge once and for all.

At the start of the game, 20-years old crown prince Noctis Lucis Caelum, is sent out by his father King Regis on a journey with three Crownsguard (fancy way of saying bodyguards). He is to be married to Lunafreya – an arrangement that is part of the peace agreement between Nilfheim and Lucis after centuries of war. Throughout the journey, you will come to learn that Noctis is the prophesied True King, although what that means is unclear until the last two chapters.

The game is all about this journey. That’s it. I was expecting intrigues, plot twists, betrayals et cetera. Nope. Just 4 guys in a car, stopping at towns and cities, doing things that 4 guys would do – shop, cook, eat, sleep, accept Hunts for monsters (as we all do), play video games, look at wedding dresses (you’ll see), ride big chickens (Chocobos!) and so on.

This realisation came to me at about 26 hours into the game. I was wondering when the main story would start. Then it hit me: this WAS the story. The game’s heart is in the friendship that this 4 young men share and how they grow up and come to accept the responsibility and consequences of their shared destiny. This sneaky game tricks you into bonding with all of them that you feel their triumphs and losses as keenly as you would your own best friends. It came to a point where I stopped playing the game and walked away as I didn’t want to go through the inevitable. This, despite having watched the end scenes repeatedly and preparing myself mentally for it. No other games in recent times, except for Crisis Core maybe, has moved me this much. The four’s last shared cut scene outside the throne room, where Prompto openly wept, “No turning back now,” is absolutely heartbreaking. I, too, wept openly.

The opening scene says it all. Prompto putting off the fire from Noctis’ outfit. Ignis calling out to Noctis and Gladiolus grabbing him to safety. All three crouching over Noctis to shield him from Ifrit’s firestorm at the risk of losing their own lives. Ignis handing Noctis a potion, and in a calm and soothing voice said, “Here you go,”. Prompto and Gladiolus running towards danger in order to give Noctis a second to catch his breath.

“Noct, hang in there buddy. Stay down. We’ll keep him busy.”

“Noct, over here quickly before he strikes again.”

“I got your back.”

“Let’s go.”

Once the game is over and you replay this opening scene, you will appreciate its significance with alarming clarity.

The single player mode takes a lot of getting used to but once I got the hang of it, I think this is the best combat system in any Final Fantasy games and I look forward to the Final Fantasy VII remake which looks like it’s using the same system (in attack mode, at least). I have complaints – the camera is buggy and at times obscures my view of the battle, parries and dodges only require the push of a button rather than a series of complicated button sequences, summonses are completely random.


Pic (c)

But overall, I feel I have a lot of control over the battles. Weapons and magic are not chosen based on its attack strength. In fact more than ever, you need to be tactical about it (however, years of playing Final Fantasy kinda clued me in on which weapons and magic are best used on which enemies so in that sense I had unfair advantage). Even choosing what to eat is a tactical decision – certain meals are best to boost attack or lend temporary increase in HP, some are to provide immunity from conditions like poison, toad and confusion and some are to give you critical hit advantage but only when fighting higher level bosses.

The AP ascension system is easy to use and understand although it lacks the kind of flexibility that you get in Final Fantasy X. Levelling up is also easy, by that I don’t mean that the bosses are easy to defeat. What I mean is, experience points are tallied only when you go to sleep. So, if you want to level up quickly, spend the next two hours killing stuff and NOT GOING TO SLEEP, accumulate 10,000 Gil then go to the most expensive hotel in Galdin Quay and cash all that stacked experience in one go. Sleeping at hotels multiplies your experience; while sleeping at camps allows you to cook stats-boosting meals and gain AP. So you need to balance it – do you want AP or experience? Cook your meals or buy them? Decisions, decisions.

This game has high playability. Free-roaming aside (which gives you plenty to do and see and explore), the number of quests, hunts and post-game quests are enough to keep even the most dedicated occupied. I left the game at 164 hours and I haven’t killed a single optional bosses or obtained ultimate weapons yet so I can see myself racking up 300 hours on this game easily.

Frankly I don’t think it is fair to make this assessment. As technology evolves and consoles become more powerful, of course the graphics will be more beautiful too. But yes, Final Fantasy XV is beautiful. Dungeons are scary and anxiety-inducing and the open world is vast and expansive as far as your Chocobo can take you.

I find the voice acting is better in English than in Japanese (it was the other way around for Final Fantasy X). Since the excellent voice acting in Final Fantasy XII (I still can’t get over Balthier’s drawl and Fran’s scottish accent), SquareEnix has done this right this time around too. The Japanese version sounds too ‘young’ and indistinguishable to me. I went back and forth every few hours before deciding to stick to the English version.

Ignis’ voice has the right kind of kindness and gravitas (and the Brit accent, very hot, I approve); Gladiolus has a sonorous growl that walks that tight balance between loyalty and frustration over what he perceives as his inability to guard Noctis properly; Prompto’s is bright and annoying (when you learn about his backstory you will understand why he overcompensates on everything!). I actually yelled at Prompto to shut up as I was exploring dungeons as his constant yapping added to my anxiety. Noctis’ is soft but regal, decidedly inexperienced, but always polite with a touch of sadness. It reminds me very much of Billy Crudup’s interpretation of Prince Ashitaka in Princess Mononoke. Ardyn Izunia’s voice is smooth as silk but dripping with venom – I think the voice actor had a lot of fun doing this and this is probably the best voice acting in the game.

I love the music immediately. Again this is not fair because I have been listening to Somnus for TEN YEARS when this game was still known as Versus. Yoko Shimamura overdid herself. You go girl. If I have a complain it would be a small one and can’t even be considered a complain. You see, Nobuo Uematso has a sense of playfulness and lightness in his music. Even when the story line is grim like in Final Fantasy X and the music is incredibly sad, Uematsu still manages to be whimsical. Shimamura’s music, on the other hands, is the complete opposite. Her compositions, while lush and immersive, don’t have Uematsu’s light touch or whimsy. But that said, she has a talent to deliver the unexpected.

Noctis’ theme, for example, surprises me because it was so soft and temperate. I would have done it in an angrier and more conflicted style. During the Abbey Road live concert, Shimamura explained that she wrote Noctis’ theme this way because she wanted to convey the weight of destiny and Noctis’ internal monologue about situation that he is in, letting the emotional resonance seeping in slowly. I don’t agree with her interpretation. But, if you think about this piece and how Noctis is voice-acted, he is never portrayed as angry or misunderstood or as an outcast (well hello there, Cloud). And he doesn’t know what being the True King means so he is not conflicted or resentful about the journey that he has to take. The earlier irritation that he displayed is directed at his father for sending him away before the peace treaty, in what he perceives as trading the lives of the nation for the sake of saving a son, as he believes the King should have put the nation first. And when Noctis understands what is required of him, there is no tantrums or why me’s either, he simply accepts it and soldiers on. So, I get what Shimamura wants to convey, but I still don’t agree. I think, above all, Noctis possesses a steely determination to do right by his people, and that quiet strength and fire do not come across in Noctis theme. But, potato, potato.

(OK I am getting way too involved here!)

My favourite piece is, of course, Somnus. It has been covered extensively, and my favourite version is this one:

I truly love this game. I give it a high 8 out of 10. As an introduction to Final Fantasy to new gamers, it is easy enough to get into without having to understand the full backstory and history of Final Fantasy games. It certainly exceeded my expectations. I must admit, I was ready for it to suck like Final Fantasy VIII and XIII and its permutations but I am happy that it didn’t.

Is it the best Final Fantasy game ever? For me, that distinction still lies with Final Fantasy VII – a great hero, an even greater villain, a tragic heroine, a motley group of odd people who comes together to save the world, a very immersive storyline… wow I can’t say enough good things about this one.

But all said and done, Final Fantasy XV is a worthy successor to the name.

The game ends with perhaps the most beautiful music in the soundtrack called “Dewdrops at Dawn” and a shot of four camping chairs at the lookout point, facing the crown city of Insomnia in the distance as light slowly shines back on the world of Eos.

“Walk tall, my friends.”


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Siti Britney Goes to London

This tiny little book is going on an aeroplane and heading to London! Get a copy now by tweeting @zarn_G, @opzaharin or @studioanaianai (RM20 + RM6 postage).

BeFunky Designlondoncalling

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Filed under food for thought, Ijah's Own Stuff, Siti Britney Sayang, Special Mentions

31 Days (Nights) of Rain is here!

My debut with indie publisher Studio Anai-Anai is (finally) born!

The book is sold at RM20 per copy, please add RM6 for postage (Malaysia only).

To purchase, place your order with:

  • Whatsapp: 0193681917 (Zaini)
  • FB Messenger: Mohzan OP-Zaharin

Or visit Studio Anai-Anai’s booth at Kotakata @ Kota Buku at Parkson, Maju Junction this Saturday (26 March 2016).

You can also purchase limited copies of signed and numbered books (1-100) at RM30nett (including postage). For these, write directly to RM5 will be donated under your name to Cancer Research Malaysia for each book sold. Purchases of 10 books and above will make you eligible for tax exemption.

What are you waiting for, little darlings?

31 Days of Rain book cover


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Siti Britney’s Coming!


You see the book with the umbrella on the cover? That’s Siti Britney’s maiden book under the indie label. It will be launched real soon. Sit tight!

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Eulogy for Phone #59


It is with great sadness that I announce the horrifying demise of phone #59 last night at approximately 7:45pm. I dropped the phone onto the road as I exited the car. I was completely unaware of this fact, of course. The phone was discovered when guests at the CNY dinner heard a loud crack and one of them went to the road to see what was the cause. There, she found the mangled, broken body of the victim lying face down, its screen smashed into a thousand, little pieces. Death was instantaneous.

Previous causes of phone deaths include, but not limited to, drowning in the washing machine, committing suicide by jumping into the toilet hole in Shell Kelana Jaya restroom, abandonement at the immigration desk in Changi airport and, most famously, by hiding in the backseat of various taxis all over the world. However, I must admit that last night’s death was by far the most sadistic in my long and proud history of murdering mobile phones.

Before I conclude this eulogy, here’s some house announcement:

1) As the micro SIM card cannot be inserted into my spare (basic) phone, I shall be incommunicado intermittently until I get a new phone or get a temporary number to tide me over;

2) I am able to use facebook messenger when I am at home or at the office or wherever there is internet access. But, if you call me or text me and I do not respond, it doesn’t mean that I am a snob or that I hate you and I have changed my number in order to avoid you. Maybe I do but that’s a different story;

3) With regards to item 1, I so the very welcome any phone donation, new or old. For the uninitiated, I have ceased buying my own phone since June 2010 due to the fact that I kill or lose them very often. Please note that usually I carry two numbers — office and personal. The incapacitated phone was my personal one. Since I am starting a new job soon, I have yet to be issued an office phone. Til then, see item 2.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the donor who gave me this phone. Despite its gruesome death, this phone lasted a little over 6 months, which in itself is some kind of a record. Bravo.

On that note, please join me in a moment of silence to mourn phone #59. RIP Pink Motorola. May you find peace in mobile phone heaven, if there is such a thing.

(I wonder what phone #60 would look like.)

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Fake Email Warning

Hi guys, if you received an email about this remarkably effective penis enhancement device or that you have won a gazillion kabillion dollars from, please note that ***THIS IS NOT ME***. I do not have a gmail account with this username.

Thanks to those who brought this to my attention but there is nothing I can do about it as I do not own this account so I cannot shut it down or change the password.

Respond to this email address only if you really need the penis enhancement device or if you are totally convinced you have won a gazillion kabillion dollars from an online lottery that you did not enter.

You have been warned. Run along now.

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Excerpt from Conversations/Arguments: I Have to be Strong Because I Have No Other Choice

I Have to be Strong Because I Have No Other Choice
Kota Bharu, October 2014

(follow Siti Britney on

Today I went to the launch of Rumah Sahabat, which is located in Kota Bharu, at the invitation of Malaysian Aids Council. It is a halfway home that provides shelter, support group and methadone therapy to former drug addicts who are HIV+.

I was greeted at the airport by a designated driver, let’s call him Abu.

Abu is a well-dressed, well-spoken guy who works as a peer counselor with Ministry of Health. His main role is to provide counselling and, I guess the best word to describe it is “pujukan”, to those who are HIV+ to start antiretroviral (ARV) therapy. He also volunteers at the centre that provides needle exchange to current addicts who are not ready to graduate to methadone therapy.

On the way to Rumah Sahabat he told me that he came back to Kota Bharu earlier this year. Prior to this he worked for 4 years with Jabatan Hal Ehwal Orang Asli (JHEOA) teaching Fardhu ‘Ain to Orang Asli children in Gua Musang.

“It is hard work, kak,” Abu explained. “I worked for 3 weeks without any leave, and then I get one week off.”

“Why is that?” I asked.

“The location is very remote,” said Abu. “It takes about 2 hours by motorbike just to get out to the main road, and then it would be another hour to get to Kota Bharu.”

“So, after four years I took a job with Ministry of Health at its Health Education Division. But I could not get used to living in Kuala Lumpur, so after 3 months I came back to Kota Bharu.”

“Kuala Lumpur is hot,” he said with a chuckle.

After the launch ceremony was over, I decided to try to catch an earlier flight back to Subang so I turned down the invitation to join the delegation for a Kota Bharu food tour. So Abu, once again, became my designated driver.

I asked him about his education and how he ended up choosing a career as a peer counsellor.

“I went to a religious school,” Abu said, “Then I went to further my studies in Melaka.”

“I lived in my kampong my entire life that when I went off to college I became completely uncontrollable. I experienced an extreme form of cultural shock. That’s also the reason why I cannot live outside Kota Bharu for too long,” Abu explained.

Then he slowed the car and confided, “Kak, actually I am HIV+ too. I was diagnosed in 2007 but I refused to get any treatment because I could not believe it. I only started treatment in 2011, and now I am in a 2-year clinical study for a new combination of ARV.”

I asked him if it was his HIV+ status that made him decide to work as a peer counsellor.

“Not at first,” Abu said. “Working with JHEOA was the best option for me. I get to go to the hospital once a month, and then at the same time I get to do something useful with my life.”

“I love teaching. I did a lot of volunteer work during the one-week leave that I got every month,” Abu added.

“At first it was helping to distribute condoms to sexual workers. Then I volunteered at the needle exchange centre.

Drug addicts have it a lot harder than other high-risk groups. They don’t know how to tell if they are sick; on top of that they have to fight off the addiction. Almost always when a drug abuser discovers that he has HIV+, his CD4 count is very close to 200, which means it would progress to full-blown AIDS soon.

Sexual workers depend on being healthy in order to be able to continue getting customers. So they are the most aware; they will voluntarily get tested twice a year.

I, on the other hand, am in the promiscuous group,” Abu explained.

“Before you say anything,” he continued, “Let me just say it – padan muka saya. Serves me right, right?”

I laughed and said I did not intend to say that at all.

“We have different challenges and carry different burdens,” I said to Abu.

“You are given a second chance at life and are able to contribute back to the society in a meaningful way. Not all of us are given the opportunity, or come to self-awareness, to do so.”

“That is true,” Abu agreed.

“In fact, I knew I was putting myself at risk. I remember saying berani buat, berani tanggung when the people around me asked me to practice safe sex. So, when I discovered I was HIV+, I told myself, well Abu, you got what you deserve.”

“Acceptance took a long time,” he added.

“I waited 4 years before accepting that I need to look after myself and started my therapy. Not that I was blaming God or anything: I just simply could not believe I am HIV+ because I felt completely healthy. But 8 HIV+ tests couldn’t all be wrong, right?”

“How young are you?” I asked.

“I am 32 now. I discovered I was HIV+ when I was 25.”

“My parents still don’t know about this,” Abu said.

“They are nice people. I just haven’t found the right words to say.”

“Is it hard living with HIV?” I asked.

“Not at all,” he answered. “Of course I miss eating sushi and Bliss yogurt (we both laughed), but managing my condition is pretty easy. It is a lot about compliance to the ARV therapy and the usual stuff — eat healthily, exercise, sleep.

There is a lot of support group and the Government is doing a lot of work behind the scenes that regular people don’t see. What is hard, at least for me, is talking to these drug addicts and trying to convince them to take the medicine. Most of them don’t want to because they fear the medicine will interfere with their “enjoyment” of taking heroin. Being a HIV+ person gives me a better understanding of what these abusers go through, and I think I can reach out to them.

It is not easy to be a peer counselor. You need to have a very steady and strong heart and mind because 99% of the time you get defeated. But I have to be strong because I have no other choice.”

We hugged our goodbyes at the airport. I wished him well and told him to give me a call if he is ever in Kuala Lumpur again. I knew now what he meant when he said Kuala Lumpur is hot.

I don’t think I can do what Abu does. I am book-smart, I know how to make money but I don’t think I have the presence of mind or heart to be able to devote my life to saving other people’s lives.

Saya doakan Abu dipanjangkan umur dan dimurahkan rezeki dan diberi keberkatan supaya dia boleh membantu seberapa ramai yang mungkin mengatasi masalah ketagihan dadah dan mendapatkan rawatan yang sewajarnya, Inshaa Allah, amin.


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Filed under Ijah's Own Stuff, Siti Britney Sayang

Back on the Exercise Wagon

Some of you may not know this but I used to be a very keen runner. At one point, I would run 5km twice daily (before and after work) but various injuries in 2012 derailed me. I picked up running again in 2013 as I was living very near to KLCC . The running track in the park is so nice and beautiful. So for about 6 solid months, I ran very consistently every morning before I go to work.

However, once I started with Firefly and moved back to Subang Jaya, I stopped exercising almost completely — it started with a sprained knee at the start 2014 so I switched to swimming but then inexplicably, I just went lazy and did nothing and put on a lot of weight which continued all the way up to about 3 weeks ago. Can you see how round my face is in the 2014 pic?

I had coffee with Carrie just before I started working at the new place; she was so horrified when she saw me that she loaned me her physical trainer (PT) and forced me to go to her gym so that she could whip my ass into shape.

Due to my prolonged knee injury, lots of the exercise that I do for the last 3 weeks  focuses on knee rehab to strengthen muscles followed by yoga stretches and this week, we will be introducing free weights and a 1-mile Walk Challenge to build up my fitness.

It will be a long hard road to get back to my June 2013 form (age is a factor and I eat cake a lot now that I live next door to Empire!), but I am quite sick of being sick and tired all the time so I am posting this pic here as inspiration to get me back on the treadmill. Let’s see if by the end of the year I am able to shed some weight and get a little fitter than I am today that I can (finally) take the 3-mile Walk Challenge and finish it below 45 minutes.

Wish me luck!

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Filed under Running/Walking