I started out trying to write an apology. But after the fourth try, I realized it would not work without me confessing what it is that I am apologizing for.
But I can’t. It’s just one of those things that I can’t bear to repeat even to my own shadow.
So I will say this instead.
I know things between us are fine but we are not okay.
I am sorry I only realized that you have not been okay after a little over three years had passed. Had I been a little less involved with myself, a little bit more responsible, I would have recognized it sooner.
And I think my obliviousness is the one that is largely responsible for landing me here, to this moment.
What I did was insensitive and thoughtless.
I am sorry for making decisions that affected other people, affected you, without involving you in the process. Somehow in my head it all seemed logical, and clear, and precise.
I am sorry I laughed it off and said you would get over it someday.
I am sorry I did not offer any explanation.
I am sorry I didn’t make any attempts to make amends even when I realized something was wrong, has been wrong, for a while now.
I am sorry I encouraged the superficiality between us. I don’t know why I didn’t stop it.
And most of all, I am sorry this apology took too long to find its way to you.
I know there is nothing I can do to make this go away. My apologies seem hollow even to my own ears.
I know right now the only way to engage you in on your terms.
So, okay. Let’s do this on your terms.
Someday, when we are done with being fine, and this avoidance game is over, you know where to find me.
But til then, inadequate as it seems, sorry is the only word I could offer.