There is this boy that I know.
(No this is not a post about a ghost. Any ghosts. I have promised and am keeping that promise – no more stories from the past. The people that I left behind, will stay behind.)
Anyway, there is this boy that I know.
Let’s call him tenshi.
(I will explain this someday. But not in this post.)
tenshi and I, we don’t talk much about who we are, or who we were. We have a very short history.
But he sort of reminds me of someone. An untainted version of Maverick, I guess that’s who.
(This reference makes sense. Please bear with me.)
In 2009, I had this conversation about loyalty and fidelity with Maverick.
In so many words, Maverick called me a fool. A dying breed, that was what he said.
One heartbreak years later (no, not courtesy of Maverick. We never had that kind of relationship), this conversation crossed my mind again when I read a note from tenshi.
He said despite the decade that he has been in and out of a particular relationship, despite his brilliance and all those time, he was, is, still unsure of what he wants out of it. Anymore.
“I realise that I don’t even know what I want out of it anymore.”
I thought to myself, insurance maybe?
Just another one who is crossing the threshold between wanting what you want, or settling for what you have.
I have heard this story a thousand times before. That threshold, that line, I have stood by it a thousand times before too.
I wanted to tell tenshi, Wait! Don’t be a fool.
Relationship is not insurance. It is not a story that you tell in a blog someday, when you argue with an old friend about what loyalty and fidelity means. Loyalty and fidelity are values, they make your character, they define parts of the sum of who you are.
I wanted to tell tenshi there is the kind of love out there where you can be sure. Where you know for sure.
The kind that requires no reciprocity.
One that is freely given.
(My favourite phrase. I overuse it, I am sure.)
Without you even thinking what you want out of it.
Relationships are not insurance.
Kisses aren’t contracts.
Don’t be another Maverick. You’re better than that.
If you have to choose who you are to be with, don’t do it out of sense of duty. Or guilt. Or entitlement. Or because you wanted someone to be there when you get home.
It’s not about control. Or the time that you have spent.
It is not a crime to admit this is not enough.
(Trust me I know.)
Stay if your heart will be broken if you walk away. Irreparably broken. Yours. The one inside you. Stay because of you.
Not because of her. Or her heart.
The heart that you should not be careless with is yours.
But I couldn’t bring myself to say so.
After all, what do I know.
(That’s a lie. I know a lot.)
Not then, at least.
Until this post.
This too, is a true story.
[For @Dipz, who complained that a proper post is long overdue].