How Do You Know?

There is this boy that I know.

(No this is not a post about a ghost. Any ghosts. I have promised and am keeping that promise – no more stories from the past. The people that I left behind, will stay behind.)

Anyway, there is this boy that I know.

Let’s call him tenshi. 

(I will explain this someday. But not in this post.)

tenshi and I, we don’t talk much about who we are, or who we were. We have a very short history.

But he sort of reminds me of someone. An untainted version of Maverick, I guess that’s who.

(This reference makes sense. Please bear with me.)

In 2009, I had this conversation about loyalty and fidelity with Maverick.

In so many words, Maverick called me a fool. A dying breed, that was what he said.

One heartbreak years later (no, not courtesy of Maverick. We never had that kind of relationship), this conversation crossed my mind again when I read a note from tenshi.

He said despite the decade that he has been in and out of a particular relationship, despite his brilliance and all those time, he was, is, still unsure of what he wants out of it. Anymore.

“I realise that I don’t even know what I want out of it anymore.”

I thought to myself, insurance maybe?

Just another one who is crossing the threshold between wanting what you want, or settling for what you have.

I have heard this story a thousand times before. That threshold, that line, I have stood by it a thousand times before too.

I wanted to tell tenshi, Wait! Don’t be a fool.

Cross it.

CROSS IT!

Relationship is not insurance. It is not a story that you tell in a blog someday, when you argue with an old friend about what loyalty and fidelity means. Loyalty and fidelity are values, they make your character, they define parts of the sum of who you are.

Relationship doesn’t.

I wanted to tell tenshi there is the kind of love out there where you can be sure. Where you know for sure.

The kind that requires no reciprocity.

One that is freely given.

(My favourite phrase. I overuse it, I am sure.)

Without you even thinking what you want out of it.

Relationships are not insurance.

Kisses aren’t contracts.

Don’t be another Maverick. You’re better than that.

If you have to choose who you are to be with, don’t do it out of sense of duty. Or guilt. Or entitlement. Or because you wanted someone to be there when you get home.

It’s not about control. Or the time that you have spent.

It is not a crime to admit this is not enough.

(Trust me I know.)

Stay if your heart will be broken if you walk away. Irreparably broken. Yours. The one inside you. Stay because of you.

Not because of her. Or her heart.

The heart that you should not be careless with is yours.

But I couldn’t bring myself to say so.

After all, what do I know.

(That’s a lie. I know a lot.)

Not then, at least.

Until this post.

This too, is a true story.

[For @Dipz, who complained that a proper post is long overdue].

4 Comments

Filed under Conversations/Arguments

4 responses to “How Do You Know?

  1. Nemo

    It is amusing and in a way refreshing that this is (Almost word for word) the sort of advice that comes to mind when I am approached for feedback on exactly the same issue. Admittedly, the reasons I can’t normally bring myself to say it are likely radically different, but this little dying breed of ours is something that people have enough time taking seriously without bringing aromanticism into the question.
    ‘It is not a crime to admit this is not enough’ This is usually the common denominator when coworkers – And students, to my chagrin – come to me for advice; feeling guilt when they realize that they want more from a relationship than a company to return to and share time with.
    Unlike you, I don’t know a lot, but have these doubts brought to me nonetheless. The same values come to mind, I find myself wanting to say something like ‘Stay if your heart will be broken if you walk away. Irreparably broken. Yours. The one inside you. Stay because of you.’, but don’t.
    Instead I wind up saying that they should not try to liven up the relationship, since that assumes it has grown dull already, but rethink their notion of it as a step rather than a payoff or end result.
    I still don’t know what makes me look wise enough to go to for this sort of advice – After all, if the world could be saved by someone’s sacrifice, I’m the sort of man who would wait for someone else to step forward. But if something possesses someone else to ask, I’ll likely give your advice next time.

    • Dear Nemo,
      I asked tenshi to read your comment. Thanks for popping by and leaving us a note for us to read.

      p/s: I caught the “Hero” reference. One of my favourite songs, and that happens to be my favourite line.
      Cheers ~IA

      • Nemo

        No problem, thank you for the food for thought.
        And, hah, that would be my favorite line as well.

      • tenshi said he is surprised to read your comment. I am not sure whether he was surprised that a stranger would leave a comment; or that someone out there actually agrees with me :) Most of the comments that I received (via email) would advise me not to meddle in tenshi’s relationship as I don’t have the background story to it. But I guess maybe that is best – in a way it allows me to freely express my opinion on the matter without being prejudiced about tenshi or the person he is involved with.

        My defining relationship, unfortunately, was played out in the public’s eye. My heart was not irreparably broken, his was, but in no way it meant that I didn’t walk away from it unhurt. But the point is I have seen that kind of love – I know it, I recognize it. I have not been lucky enough to get to love someone that way, that much; but knowing that it exists is enough. And that is the kind of love that I wish for tenshi, and for you.

        Cheers ~IA

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