What Would I Change

Originally uploaded by babau

You know how people say knowing what they know today and they could live this life all over again, they wouldn’t change a thing? Liars.

I thought about it long and hard. Knowing what I know now, I would press the reset button and change these:

  1. I would tell no one about you. Not even my own shadow. No one would know. Not your name, not your face, not your existence. You would be a no one that no one knows about. An imaginary furry little monster under my bed that only I could see and talk to. We would be a terrible clandestine secret that I would take to my grave.
  2. I would  not have told you that I loved you.  You should have never  heard those words. You should have suffered on your own.  Alone. I should have just walked away and worked that love out of my system quietly. Without fanfare. Without ceremony.  It was a mistake to say it out loud and give it form. That, I regret. That, I wish I could take back and undo. That, above all, should have been  the one secret I’d take to my grave.

I know my actions and decisions led me to this point. People can’t be anyone else but who they are, right? Unlike you, I am neither simple nor practical. I’m a million different people from one day to the next. I can’t change my mould.

But I could change what’s inside. What I put inside. What I allow inside.

If I get a chance to do this all over again, you will be the words in me that will remain unspoken. Never spoken. Ever.

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