Thoughts About 2009

I know 2010 is a month away. As the clock ticks and I am about to be 35years and a day old, I feel moved to write about 2009.

This date exactly a year ago, I was knee-deep in several side projects and other distracting things that I needed to do to put my mind off work. To be precise, there was nothing to do at work. I thought about angel too much, partied too often, read too little. I was excited about nothing. The most interesting part of my day would be when I go to sleep and put the ipod on shuffle so that I’d be forced to listen to new songs that I’d otherwise never press play for.

I spoke to several close friends about my fears, about how the feeling of being watered down, ineffective and not learning or contributing to something positive was frustrating and worrying me into sleepless nights. But, I didn’t do anything about it.

If you had asked me then, I would have had a thousand reasons why I stayed in the job, and all of those excuses, at that time, would have seemed valid. But most of all, I believed it was a step up, or a way to step up and learn new things, do different tasks, handle bigger responsibilities and I believed in order to get there I needed to put in the time.  It’s a strange analogy but I felt like a time traveller that found herself inadvertently venturing too far into the future too soon, and I had to sit still to allow time to catch up with me again.

I also believed that there was nowhere else I could go to without running into the same problem. My distorted logic argued, if I had to kill time, I might as well do it in a company that was at the top of the food chain.  So even when other opportunities presented itself, I would turn them down though I was unhappy in the situation I was in. It was no one’s fault but my own. It was an easy, good and stable job and I think I fooled myself into thinking that I crave, NO NO, I deserve easy, good and stable after all those years being bat-shit crazy-busy. Stupid. I should have been heavily medicated or exorcised.

It was when a former client asked, why are you doing the same thing that you did 10 years ago? that I was finally shamed into turning in my pink slip. The truth is, it was a very easy decision. Today as I mulled over what I did on this date a year ago, I wondered why it took me so long, why I waited until April to make that move? It is inconceivable to think a mere year ago I thought that I had to wait 15 years before I could make the move up. That I was even WILLING to consider that possibility as an eventuality!

If I could speak to myself from the year past, this is what I would tell her:

  • Trust yourself completely. Not just half of the time; ALL of the time.  Don’t second-guess your moves because if you put enough effort behind that move, you change and control you luck.  The irony is, I believe in this and tell it often to the people close to me. Yet for over a year, I forgot how to live. I can’t just tell people that, I have to believe myself.
  • Not knowing IS the fun part. It is okay to be reckless and irresponsible. It is okay to take wild and uncharacteristic chances because it will lead you down wild, uncharacteristic paths – paths that you would have never otherwise considered.
  • Be brave. Because fear of the things that you cannot see or foretell is effing stupid.

I know 2010 is a month away and fate the quirky mistress could still sneak up behind me and flip things around. But even if that happens, 2009 has been an incredible year. Girl, you got a lot of work to do, someone at work told me. I laughed at the remark. He didn’t know that a mere 6-months ago, I literally had nothing at all to do.

How does the line go? What a difference a year makes?

No truer words have been spoken.

Today, this is my anthem:

I Believe by Ayaka

Transliteration by Jonathan Wu

Hidden inside my heart, is a
whirlpool of uncertainty
If I have to walk on, which way do I go?
As the streets overflow with people
I say “Goodbye” to that uncertain me
I believe myself, I know that if I believe
everything and anything can begin
I believe myself, and as the sunshine warms me
I walk on without failing myself because
I believe

Small lies begin to surface from the
falsehoods that people create in life
As a young girl I saw the lies pile up
up sighed to myself
And I swore to myself to color
the lies in “black”
I believe myself, I know that if I believe
everything and anything can begin
I believe myself, and as the sunshine warms me
I walk on without failing myself because
I believe

Right now as the wide sky is reflected in my eyes
I feel like I’m living while staying true to myself
I believe myself, I know that if I believe
everything and anything can begin
I believe myself, and as the sunshine warms me
I walk on without failing myself because
I believe…

Advertisements

4 Comments

Filed under food for thought

4 responses to “Thoughts About 2009

  1. PC Ng

    I will remember this the next time I am afraid of the uncertainties that confront us in life..
    “Be brave. Because fear of the things that you cannot see or foretell is effing stupid.”

    Here’s hoping my change will come soon.

  2. amat potai

    “Don’t second-guess your moves because if you put enough effort behind that move, you change and control you luck”

    Dangggg… so freakin’ beautiful this line…
    Write a book, jah…
    p.s.. kalu amik jadi lirik, berapa nk bayar royalti nih?

  3. For you cik amat, I give for free. No time to write a book, I need to make RM1.2bil first.

  4. The real PC Ng

    I did not put that IA. Someone else did.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s