Today’s lesson would be phrases that should be eliminated permanently from all languages in all the universes (can you disprove the existence of alternate universes and fifth dimensions? No? Ok, argument over. )
No offence but…
When someone starts or ends his sentence with “No offence but ….”, you know whatever follows would definitely, with 100% deadly accuracy, offend you. But because he prefaces it with “No offence but ….”, you are left only with two choices i.e. pummel him into a bloody pulp or fake a smile and reply “None taken.”
I very rarely have “No offence but ….” said to my face possibly because I would behead that person before he even has the opportunity to finish the sentence.
Help me to help you by…
Incredibly demeaning but used very frequently to camouflage an insult to make it seem socially acceptable. It is just another way of saying I think you are a bleeping idiot and I should get a sainthood for patiently taking you through this path of enlightenment.
Don’t take this the wrong way…
Just like the first one, it is guaranteed that whatever follows would be a criticism so condescending that your instinctive response to it would land you in jail or slapped with a lawsuit.
You can be mad at me, I deserve it.
Often used as an addendum to apologies. Commonly heard when one is busted or committed an oversight (or an obvious act of idiocy, whichever gets you angry the most). The person who said it would apologize for screwing up, then follow the apology with this generous permission for you to be mad at him. My advice? Use the machete. Beheading people can be very therapuetic.