My Running Thing Cycle 4-II Week 2: 2nd Week is Always the Hardest

Throughout all the cycles I find Week 2s are always the hardest. The body is resisting exercise (a body at rest tends to stay at rest), the muscle aches is amplified, the desire to do something else is doubled (anything – eat, watch TV, sleep, go on facebook – anything at all!), the surge in appetite, the low motivation since there is absolutely no tangible results to speak of… the list is very long.

That said, Week 2 is also most crucial because it is the make-or-break week. If I can make it through Week 2 without cheating, Week 3 will be a lot easier.

This cycle’s Week 2 is no different. My body feels at its weakest, even the slightest change in intensity and I am seeing spots. I go nuts with hunger at night. I expect a weight gain. But I know I have to fight and overcome these challenges – done it before and I can do it again! How I know? I read back all my posts under the Running categories from as far as 2 years ago, I look at all the photos…. I don’t remember the pain and the hard work needed to get there, but I remember it took time and it is possible. This will get easier.

GEAR

• No new gear this week.

FOOD & BEVERAGE

• 2L a Day is Easy Peasy. Thankfully getting back to drinking 2L a day was very easy. I was able to get back on Day 1 itself. I simply force myself to drink – if by lunch time my bottle is not half-empty, I just close my eyes and chug. It is a lot easier than it sounds. As an aside: I thought it is odd that the body can function at <1L water daily and at >2L water daily. Shouldn’t my body have a sensor or something to trigger my need to drink if I drink <1L a day? When I was a work-craze-person not too long ago, I hardly finished a bottle of 500ml mineral water all day; and then I would have the occasional coffee or another glass or two of water during lunch/dinner – presuming I even have time to have lunch/dinner. How did my body manage to survive? (Or maybe it didn’t and I am paying for all the damage that I have inflicted to it over the years? If that is so, body, I am sorry and I am trying very hard to make it up to you.)
• Mocha-Choca-Latta Shake. This is Malaysia. Berries are expensive ok. Even tiny strawberries from Cameron Highlands cost RM8 a cup. So these days I mix a cup of milk with the whey protein and two teaspoons of instant coffee. I don’t like mocha very much (I like coffee, but generally I don’t like any chocolate drinks including mochas) but this is definitely a lot more palatable than taking it as straight-up chocolate. Add a small ice cube and blitz and my mocha protein shake is ready. I love the berries one better, of course (seriously, it tastes so good).
• Fruity-Fruity Shake. I have yet to try making the shake with other fruits like bananas (which would go well with the chocolate flavour and a teaspoon of peanut butter I guess – but the calorie count would be skyhigh). I read up to find ways to make the shakes more interesting, some people put nuts and seed, and even cookies (!), fruit juices, herbs (mint seems to be a huge favourite) and leafy green vegetables into it. My current whey protein is double-chocolate flavoured so that limits my option. I will get a flavourless one next time, or something generic like vanilla so that I will have more options when making the shakes.
• Weighing Scale is the Enemy. I’ve been trying to tell myself not to, but I did it anyway, yes I stepped onto the scale. And to my horror, it showed that I have gained back all the weight that I’ve lost and then some! And this is after the cleanse, the protein shakes, the 2-week’s worth of exercise! I should just shoot the scale to pieces. I admit, seeing these kind of numbers on the scale upsets me greatly (if it is to be believed I have gained a whopping 10kg since April last year!). So what I do is to repeat continuously to myself that my aim is not to get skinny, it is to get stronger and fitter and leaner.  So I will list and focus on all the positives:
  1. I am drinking at least a cup of milk every day.
  2. I am drinking 2L of water every day.
  3. I meet my protein, calcium and fiber daily intake.
  4. I exercise 3x a week.
  5. I haven’t been sick with the flu or fever for more than 3 months now. I get the occasional chills or overnight runny nose due to the cold weather or air-conditioning but none of those 3-day benders.
  6. My arms are getting toned and defined (love!)

EXERCISE

• I am weak. Confession is the first step to recovery. On the first day of Week 2, I only managed 15mins of HIIT and 15mins of walking.  I did better in Week 1, and I stuck to the same routine since I knew it was doable. My poor time made me feel real angry and defeated but I didn’t want to push myself to the point of injury. I decided that I would take the 15mins, and then work on increasing it to 16mins the next time, and then 17 mins the time after that and then a minute more each time until I can get to 30mins each. It is a long way to get to 40mins nonstop HIIT and even longer way to get to 90min nonstop running being that my knee is still a little stiff and wobbly when I try to run. But time should not be a reason for me not to go for it. So I am going for it, a minute at a time. (Update: the second time I did HIIT, I managed to stretch it to 20mins! Yay. I think I can  increase the duration 5mins each session. So my aim for Week 3 is to get it up to 25min. )
• Skip and Run and Walk. Both feet hurt a little after each run/walk session. I managed to do a 4o then a 60min session in Week 2 (after the poor HIIT attempt that I wrote about above) – so that makes it 3 exercise sessions in Week 2. That was 2 sessions less than my previous routine (3x run/walk; 2x HIIT). The reason I didn’t do the balance 2 HIITs is simple: I was lazy. I knew I had to but when the clock struck 5:45pm I decided to sod it and hung out in front of the TV instead. So I have no one to blame but myself.
• Maybe…. the right approach is not to see exercise as something that I have to do. You see, I actually remember the breathlessness and the pain that I felt from the recent HIIT session. You forget those over time of course, but when it is so recent,  it is very easy for you to go….oh no, no, I am not going to go through that again. The thing is, when I was in full steam in the original cycle, I welcomed these breathlessness and pain – in fact every day I could not wait for my HIIT days to roll around so that I can, well, hit it. So it is a matter of pushing and pushing til I get to that point again. And how I did it last time? I did it by chanting to myself as I worked out:
  • I love running
  • I love Benny (ok not relevant but it helped)
  • I love HIIT

Positive affirmations do work. Some people think it is just new age mumbo jumbo, but it is a self-fulfilling prophecy really. I used to hate to folding my clothes (still do, but with less intensity these days). We were discussing this hatred one day when my sister suggested that maybe I should “love” it instead. An example that she gave was how she hates vaccuming, so each time she vaccums the floor she tells herself “I love to vaccuum, I love to vaccuum” like a conditioning exercise. Eventually, she learns not to loathe the chore. Ok, she still doesn’t love it and pays a cleaner to do it every week, but she doesn’t find it loathsome anymore.

(As an aside, I still find folding clothes loathsome so I only do it after a few laundry cycles. There is a huge laundry basket in my room, I fold only when it is full and can hold no more clean clothes.)

Anyway, photo for Week 2 and Week 00 as comparison:

(and when I look at these photos, baby, I don’t feel so bad no more)

Mansuh PTPTN, politics without romance dan student power — Zul Fikri Zamir Mohamad Munir

I fully support the writer’s view. And that’s all I have to say about this matter.

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16 APRIL — Ketika tulisan ini sedang ditulis, saya membaca Twitter seorang rakan bahawa sekumpulan mahasiswa sedang membuat benteng manusia di Dataran Merdeka bagi mempertahankan khemah mereka dari diroboh DBKL. Sementara itu laporan Malaysiakini pada 12 April 2012 membayangkan sekitar 300 ke 500 orang sahaja mahasiswa yang turun untuk demonstrasi mahasiswa menuntut pemansuhan Perbadanan Tabung Pendidikan Tinggi Negara (PTPTN) di Kuala Lumpur.

For full article, please click the Malaysian Insider’s link here: Main – Side Views – Mansuh PTPTN, politics without romance dan student power — Zul Fikri Zamir Mohamad Munir @ Mon Apr 16 2012.

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IA’s Note: Below is the English translation. Any errors and/or omissions are purely mine. In the event of dispute, the original article in Malaysian Insider is taken as the definitive version. For purpose of this translation, university students will be collectively known as “graduates”.

16 APRIL — As I wrote this piece I am reading a tweet from a friend that said a group of university students are creating a human fort at Dataran Merdeka to defend their tents from being demolished by City Hall. At the same time, a Malaysiakini report dated 12 April 2012 estimated that only about 300-500 graduates participated in the demonstration to abolish Perbadanan Tabung Pendidikan Tinggi Negara (PTPTN) held in Kuala Lumpur.

Demanding PTPTN to be abolished? Interestingly, the group shouted slogans, amongst them “Najib Altantuya”, “Jahanam Umno-BN”, “Musnah Rosmah” and “Jahanam Najib”. Firstly, what’s Altantuya, Rosmah and “Jahanam Najib” got to do with PTPTN? Secondly, based on current reports, there are up to 227,000 university students nationwide, meaning only about 0.2% came to support the demonstration. Where is the balance 226,500 students, who largely make up the group that borrows from PTPTN?

A more unfortunate news – there’s also reports that a group of youths put wreaths on photos of the Prime Minister and Minister of Higher Education. I do not see the link between Altantuya, Rosmah as well as the insults hurled at the Government’s coalition party, with the issue of abolishing PTPTN. This small group of 0.2% youths, all of them are students of institutes of higher learning, all of them graduates. Therefore, a debate has to be answered with a debate. If the Prime Minister says abolishing PTPTN can bankrupt the country, then graduates must argue back using economic theories that they learn in the lecture halls of their respective universities. Not by countering RM43billion with “Najib Altantuya” slogan. I became confused, are these undergraduates or Mat Rempit Jalan Kebun?

Rafizi’s Model

If we scrutinise the higher education reformation proposal put forward by Rafizi Ramli, PKR’s Strategic Director, the principles behind abolishing PTPTN can be done by having the Government picking up the tabs for: a) school fees and b) accommodation. PTPTN debt amounting to RM27.5billion can be amortized by the Government at RM2billion a year using oil and gas revenue (from Petronas, of course) in 15 years. For the future, Rafizi proposed that 10 more public institutes of higher learning (IPTA) to be built to provide for 100,000 students, within the next 10 years.

This model seems attractive, however there are a few big questions that beg further scrutiny. Firstly, if the Government pays for school fees and provides accommodation, what about the students’ living expenses? Secondly, the dependence on Petronas is seen as highly unsustainable. Thirdly, what about the cost of building the proposed 10 IPTAs, as well as the future cost of managing them (staff salaries and other expenses)?

PTPTN Issue

What is the real issue with PTPTN? According to Dr Asraf Wajdi Dusuki, the 1% service charge mechanism imposed by PTPTN does not meet Syariah Standard AAOIFI, in fact the majority of clerics at the international level only allow charges based on real cost.

Wow! This 1% charge does not meet syariah standards, though the 1% ujrah concept was only put into motion around September 2011. What about the 3-4% charges that were imposed on students for the past 13 years since PTPTN was introduced in 1997?

This is the real issue with PTPTN. PTPTN is used for business, making profit through “good intentions” to help needy students to further their tertiary education. That is why we can understand  students who defaulted payment can be blacklisted and prohibited from leaving the country, like in the ongoing case of Mr. Mandeep Singh, who sued PTPTN over the matter.

The idea of doing business with needy students through PTPTN is most immoral. Suddenly after 13 years, the service charge can be lowered using ujrah? What’s up with that?

Politics without romance

I think it would be interesting if we can discuss the problem of financing the school fees, accommodation and living expenses of these over 227,000 graduates using an economic framework. Is the economic model that we use now based on Gary Becker’s “Human Capital” theory? If we take Mr. Amin Ahmad’s article on Legatum Prosperity Index into account – that only 68% of Malaysians finish high school (secondary education) as compared to other countries, placing Malaysia at number 81, then what is the most appropriate economic model that we should implement to solve the dropout problem of these over 32% students?

This is where we need economic graduates to propose solutions to the current Government on how the country’s resources can be channelled, especially since we can use RM43billion as the base of the budget. As an example, if this James Buchanan’s “Public Choice” framework proposed by Pakatan Rakyat is not suitable, the students should propose alternative models based on their higher education learnings.

Undergraduates know about economic cycles, growth, tax policies and expenditure, our existing rational choice theory, international trade and markets. Therefore, I am hoping that these graduates will come forward with models such as Keynesian’s or Hayek’s “laissez-faire” to replace Anwar Ibrahim’s “politics without romance” framework. This is when the society needs these graduates to speak up about fiscal policy, the country’s economic system and the implications of the RM27.5 – RM43 billion burden every year instead of emptily screaming “Mansuh PTPTN”, “Free education now!” or “Mahasiswa bukan robot”.

Free education?

So, what are our choices, really? a) retain PTPTN by denouncing the service charge i.e. you pay what you borrow or; b) abolish PTPTN altogether and use Rafizi’s model?

Is free education realistic? Yes, free education exists. You can google phrases such as “free education” or refer to sites like “scholarship 4 development” and you will get thousands of links to institutes of tertiary education, mostly in North America and Europe, that offer free education. This, of course, does not take into consideration how those countries fund their own citizens’ education, like Germany for instance.

The difference between Malaysia and developed countries is this, the initiative towards free education has become a political matter as well as capital to fund business. PTPTN is used as a business opportunity, not as an honest channel to provide higher education to the people. There is tendency for government supporters to manipulate PTPTN with issues of payment defaulters. However, I think that is too juvenile.

The PTPTN issue is an education issue at its basic level. This is not the time for us to argue “you borrow, you must pay”! Unfortunately, Pakatan Rakyat succeeds in discussing the PTPTN issue philosophically, that is, providing free education up til first degree at least. The reality is the percentage of people continuing their studies to tertiary level is less than 29.7% as compared to North Korea’s 96%. If the Government can mete out easy loans amounting to RM250million to its main leaders, or bail out crony companies up til RM500million, what is the biggest hurdle for the Government to realise free education for the people?

What we need right now is a government that works towards realising initiatives and access to free education, to increase student enrollment in tertiary level. This initiative is not limited to purely abolishing PTPTN. From an economic point of view, an efficient management, minimising wastage as well as decreasing subsidies to cronies will shrink the money leakages which then can be used to fund this free education idea.

In addition, in the western countries not only free education is provided physically, they have also started to offer free education on the web. Websites such as Academic Earth, Curriki, p2p U dan The Khan Academy have long offered educational materials online for free. Recently, Massachusset Institute of Technology (MIT) created a website that provides access to its MIT lecture hall experience to the public through MIT.OpenCourseWare, on top of other institutions that have also embarked on similar missions such as Notre Dame OpenCourseWare, Open Yale, WebCast.Berkeley, LectureFox, Learn Out Loud, LearnThat, About U, GCF LearnFree, VideoJug, and TED.

Student power

I hope graduates that came to the demonstration on 12 April understood the basis of the discussion on this PTPTN issue from an economic standpoint, not just from a moral standpoint. It is not wrong to display student power, but as graduates the responsibility to fly your flag comes with an academic weight. I hope their academic discourse does not venture far from what we discussed above. These days demonstrations by students seem self-centered with slogans such as “Hidup Mahasiswa” and “Student Power” that glorifies the self instead of the cause. It is far from the demonstrations staged by students in the 70′s that used slogans on the economy, defending the poor and the plight of the farmers.

But I suppose the bigger issue is the ignorant state sweeping the rest of the students. 99.8% of our graduates do not even care about this PTPTN issue. Free education can be made possible if students speak up as one voice, pushing politicians to work together to find a concrete solution for the cause. But if only 500 students came, as compared to 227,000 students nationwide, what can we surmise from this, really?

My thesis is simple, our graduates need PTPTN. They prefer to borrow, the balance after deducting school fees can be used to buy an iPhone or iPad2. And after borrowing money has been culturalized for so long in our society, now they are scared to stand on their own two feet. That is why more than 226,500 students in the country turned a blind eye on the abolishment of PTPTN demonstration last Saturday. They don’t care that they have to pay RM63,000 when they only borrowed RM48,000. What’s important is that when the weekend rolls around, they can take their girfriends out to the movies, using money from PTPTN loans.

“…if you want to improve politics, improve the rules, improve the structure. Don’t expect politicians to behave differently. They behave according to their interests.” — James Buchanan

* Zul Fikri Zamir Mohamad Munir is a Fellow in Artist For d’Oppressed (AfdO), apart from being the Co-Founder of Teach For The Needs (TFTN).

* This is the personal opinion of the writer or publication. The Malaysian Insider does not endorse the view unless specified.

My Running Thing Cycle 4-II Week 1: Easy Does It

It’s week 1. I did a few things differently this time around  because I needed to start slow due to my knee injury and I wanted to try new things.

GEAR

• New iron. Actually it is not new. There is one of those solid iron dumbbells in the house weighing about 15kg. Since I am switching my aerobics HIITs to strength training one, my neoprene 3lbs dumbbells are not adequate for the job. I adjusted the weight to 5kg, it is a bit of a struggle but doable.

FOOD & BEVERAGE

• Look Good Naked Cleanse.  I tried a 2-Day Cleanse as shared in the Women’s Health Mag website here. I failed to follow it to the T, but the good thing is I discovered how I like my protein shake made. Adding peanut butter cancels out the chocolate taste and berries provide some crunch. The shake is much thicker than how I used to make it but a lot more pleasant to drink. I haven’t tried it with other fruits but berries seem to work very well. The recipe:
  • 1 cup milk (low-fat is good, non-fat even better)
  • 1 cup berries
  • 1 spoonful whey protein
  • 1 tbsp peanut butter
  • 1 small ice cube
• The other good thing about the cleanse is I am eating a lot of greens, meeting the 5-a-day requirement easily. Don’t know if I can keep it up, but I will try.
• Water Water. I have been slacking on water ever since I switched water bottles a few weeks ago because I didn’t realize that the new bottle’s measure is 1L and not 2L. So today I am back on the old 2L bottle. I usually drink up to 1L by lunch hour, and polish the rest around dinner time. I don’t count other beverages or liquids (like soup, protein shakes, coffee etc) as part of my water intake; I consider those as bonus. As much as possible, I try to get in 2L of plain water into my system daily.
• Shake Shake. I am adding protein shakes into my daily diet. I take one for breakfast and another one about 45mins before I exercise. On my rest days I only take the breakfast one. One of my biggest diet issues is that I rarely take breakfast. The protein shake is fast and easy and all I do is put it in a tumbler and carry it around so I am finally on the 3-square-meals-a-day track. I still need to work on controlling my snacking urges, but like I said before, the best way to curb snacking is to not have any snacks at all in the pantry.

EXERCISE

• Walk walk. I only managed to walk for 2 consecutive days – the first one only for about 30mins because my knee was still hurting. The second time I walked for an hour. Both walks were not very satisfying because I wasn’t sweating as much as I’d like to but I know that walking a little is better than no walk at all.
• Strength Training HIITs. I tried to do some HIITs the rest of the week. This was the routine:
  • Warm up 5mins:
    • 30 jumping jacks
    • 30 ski jumps
    • 30 high knees
    • 30 jump rope
    • 30 jumping side-to-side
  • HIIT (60 secs non-stop for each routine, repeated 2 times).
    • Dumbbell squat, lunge, curl
    • Dumbbell sumo squats
    • Dumbbell bent-knee deadlifts
    • Triceps extensions
    • Rest 1 min
    • Forward lunge
    • Squat Jumps
    • Wall push-ups
    • Burpees
    • Rest 1 min
  • I end it with some curls to tone the arms and my usual post-workout yoga. It took about 45mins to complete everything.

I’d be lying if I say that I am not worried about my weight. I need to lose weight. Photos from the Maskara Makwe-Makwe proved that I have put on a lot of weight in the last 12 months. But I also don’t want my habit of starting-stopping my exercise routine derails me from exercising regularly so I am constantly telling myself that the number on the scale doesn’t matter. I know if I eat right and exercise right I can maintain my weight and fitness at an acceptable level.

For now,  I am happy with being able to exercise 3x a week. Running will have to wait til my knee is fully healed.

Mr. Children Lego® Cuusoo Fan Project

Sakuretune needs your help for his Lego® Cuusoo project.  He has designed key rings and mobile straps to commemorate Mr. Children’s 20th Anniversary. He needs 10,000 support in order for Lego® to review and consider it for production. How can you show your support?

1. Go to: Lego® Cuusoo Mr.Children 20th Anniversary Memorial Goods
2. Click the SUPPORT button on top right.
3. Done? Help share this news to other Mr. Children fans. You can find the share button at the bottom of this post.

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These are Sakuretune’s designs, and below it, the PV:

Running 101: A Beginner’s Guide | RunAddicts

Approximately two years ago I inherited a treadmill, which is basically good for three things: storing in your garage until you finally give in and sell it, walking or (gulp!) running. Being a fairly active person, I knew that I couldn’t just let my gift take up space, but I was in a quandary.

Walking bores me to tears, and I was hooked on the elliptical trainers at my local health club. I had been struggling with the notion of letting go of my gym membership, so with the downturn in the economy and the arrival of my treadmill, I decided to bite the bullet, give up the gym and take up running.

Read full article by clicking the link below. (IA’s note: very good read!)

Running 101: A Beginner’s Guide | RunAddicts.

Stuff For Sale: Fitness Equipment & Furniture

It’s time to de-clutter the apartment again.

If you are interested in any of these pre-loved items, please send an email to ijahamran@yahoo.com or drop me a tweet at twitter.com/ijahamran in order to view and make an offer (prices negotiable). Terms:

1. Self pick-up only. Location: Sect 13, Shah Alam, SEL.
2. Payment terms are cash or bank transfer.
3. All items sold as-is, caveat emptor applies. What that means is that you need to reasonably examine, judge, and test item(s) that you are considering to purchase; we do not provide warranty and/or manuals and we do not fix defects or imperfections (if any) on the items. So, please come and view/test these first.
4. First come, first serve basis. We do not hold items for buyer(s) unless when a reasonable, non-refundable deposit is given and we agree on the duration of the holding period. Otherwise, whoever makes the best offer first gets the item.

Items for sale are:

1. Two (2) Adult Mountain Bikes 

Barely used, rusted here and there due to exposure to weather (bikes are placed at apartment’s corridor) – a little oil, new rollerchains and a good rubdown and these will be as good as new. Suitable for adult male and female.

Red Bike for Sale @ RM350

**SOLD**White Bike for Sale @ RM300

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 2. One (1) unit of OSIM iGallop 

A fitness equipment that simulates the real-life experience of horse riding, 3 fitness levels: trot, gallop, race. It’s a great piece of machine to exercise while watching TV. Purchased at RM2600, letting go at RM900. This machine is hardly used and in excellent condition. No manual or warranty. See its promo video below on how to use machine.

OSIM iGallop @ RM900 – front view

OSIM iGallop @ RM900 – side view

OSIM iGallop @ RM900 – top view

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3. One (1) unit of OSIM ez-Shape Weightloss Vibrating Machine

 OSIM ez-Shape is a vibrating machine used for exercising. The movement of the machine causes more muscle recruitment in your body in order to stay balanced on the machine – more muscle recruitment means more toning and a higher caloric burn. Simply standing on the machine is an exercise. Purchased at RM1700, letting go a RM700. This machine is hardly used and in excellent condition. No manual or warranty.

**SOLD** OSIM ez-Shape Weightloss Vibrating Machine @ RM700

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4. One (1) unit of Vanity Table c/w Mirror (carved, hardwood)

Beautifully carved hardwood and lacquered vanity table with mirror – suitable for shabby-chic or English-themed interior decor. Reason for letting go: we are redecorating and this style doesn’t match the rest of the furniture. Type of wood unknown; table in excellent condition.

Carved, hardwood Vanity Table c/w Mirror @ RM550

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5. One (1) unit of Display Cabinet w/ clear glass (carved, hardwood)

A carved, hardwood and lacquered display cabinet with clear glass with two drawers and bottom compartment – perfect for displaying souvenirs, knick-knacks, trophies and your Limoges and Wedgewood fine china.  Reason for letting go: we are redecorating and this style doesn’t match the rest of the furniture. Type of wood unknown; cabinet in excellent condition.

Carved, hardwood Display Cabinet @ RM1200

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6. One (1) unit of TV Cabinet (dark, hardwood)

Hotel-style wooden TV Cabinet with doors – can fit a 42′ TV easily; comes with glass top and two bottom drawers to keep your DVDs and magazines in order. Type of wood unknown, reasonable wear and tear; give it a good polish and this will look brand new. Reason for letting go: we are using flatscreen TVs so this piece of furniture is redundant. Low-res photos taken with cameraphone, please view to appreciate.

Wooden 2-Door TV Cabinet @ RM300

Wooden 2-Door TV Cabinet @ RM300 – side view

-END-

My Running Thing Cycle 4-II Week 0: New Beginning

My knee feels good today so I am going to risk a run.

The 2-week hiatus really affected me. My body feels slow, unfit and creaky. It creaks when I sit down, creaks when I stand up.

The real challenge this week is to get used to exercising again and pacing myself so that I don’t get injured or exacerbate old injuries. I was told to choose low impact exercises like biking, swimming or stepping. I was thinking this being the first day I’d go with body weight exercises since it doesn’t require me to run or anything, and maybe some slow walk on the treadmill to loosen and warm my muscles up.

You have no idea how happy I am to get back to square one!

Songs To Kill Time – Redux

April 1, 2012

Since this was asked after the Maskara Makwe-Makwe last night, here’s the post once again.

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To Marini: let’s pretend that this is my album and you are reading the liner notes.

[Download the tracks and lyrics in one single file right here. 42MB, takes about 5-15mins depending on your internet connection speed. Use Internet Download Manager for faster results.]

I sing. I write songs. When the planets are aligned just right, I might even come out to perform them. In public. Sometimes I record them. Mostly so that I will remember how to play them. My interest comes and goes. Some days I can’t put the guitar down. Other days it gathers dust and cobwebs in that lonely corner of my living room.

I record these, every now and then, so that I remember these little pieces of my life.

There are notebooks upon notebooks that are torn at the edges under my bed, full with scribbles and rewrites. Songwriting is not a release (karaoke is). It wasn’t to communicate. There isn’t something inside of me that wanted to come out. It is just another form of writing, I guess. Only, much simpler and shorter. Easier to remember.  Eventually it becomes something that I would do absentmindedly – on the bus, while lining up to pay for the groceries, at the movies, during lectures – much like how you hum a tune while you work. I don’t have a process, just like how I write without having a specific thought in my mind and just let my fingers type whatever that is running through my head. Some days bring you rain, some days bring you songs.

I never did stop singing or writing. It is a sum, an aggregation of all the little things that make up my existence. It is not a definition.

But I did stop performing in public.

Somewhere along the way I find that singing for strangers who don’t care about me or want to listen to what I have to say brings me no joy. It’s not the strangers’ fault. How do they say it? It’s not you, it’s me.

This collection of songs is autobiographical. Each song, in fact, was written with someone in mind, or for someone. For instance, “When I Hold Your Hand” and “My Heart Talking” were written for friends who wanted to impress their long distance girlfriends; “Wishlist” was my version of a cheesy love song (its original title was A Cheesy Song, I still have notes from way back when to prove it); “Scream At Me” was a poem written after a very long, protracted argument that ended with years and years of silence (10 years, to be exact), and “I Wrote This” was written on a rainy Valentine’s Day back in the year 2000, as I was going home from another late night at the office and saw dead roses scattered on the wet pavement.

Many were written during the life and death of several different relationships. Specific beginnings in fact –  Phase 1: the moment when I start to (reluctantly) fall in love; Phase 2: the part when I have to deal with the realities of life and everything else in it while trying to make the relationship work; and Phase 3: the time when the relationship starts to break… that awful awful realization that this is going hurt a lot more than I’d think it would.

What you will hear are the songs in their original versions, the way I heard them in my head when I first wrote them. Over the years some of them have changed a little bit, some of them have changed a lot. But these were how they were born. If you listen closely, you can hear the sound of someone washing the dishes in the kitchen, the sound of the toilet being flushed, door being slammed, girls talking etc. In one song (which is not in this collection by the way), you can even hear the sound of a motorcycle speeding away and a rooster crowing somewhere.

That’s a slice of my life for you. To kill some time.

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[Tracklisting  and quick explanation of each song are included below]

1. Phase 1
2. Revelation
3. Suga Pop Candy
4. My Heart Talking
5. Wishlist
6. Phase 2
7. Needful Things
8. As I Hold Your Hand
9. Can’t Change You
10. Spare Me Your Snatches of Time
11. Scream At Me
12. Goodbye Song
13. Puisi Akhir Musim Bunga
14. Phase 3
15. Stupid Reasons
16. Amused
17. Let’s Not Talk About Ifs
18. Yang Sebenarnya
19. I Wrote This

Phase 1: Around 1999-2002 I used to go to a cafe called Strudel’s that was located in Lucky Garden, Bangsar every Saturday at 4pm. It was such a routine that friends would just randomly turn up on Saturdays on the off-chance that I would be there reading a book or writing a song. This was written on one such afternoon, fueled by a fresh strawberry tart and several glasses of latte and a boy that I was trying not to think about too much.

Revelation: About a year after I moved to my old apartment in Sunway, I found an unfamiliar cassette tape in the box of books that I was about to unpack. There was a boy that came over to my apartment back in Vista to help me with its packing. I have no doubt that he was the one who left the cassette in there. I played it and understood what it meant immediately. But by the time I discovered the cassette we were already estranged. I tried to talk to him about it but I guess too much time had passed, so the moment too, passed for both of us.

Suga Pop Candy: This was fueled by too much sugar. It was one of the first 3 songs that I wrote (the other 2 being “Stupid Reasons”, which is included in this collection, and “Fool”, which isn’t) and I was still in university at that time. It must have been 1994 or earlier. Written for a friend who was in UTM Sekudai, right after he came to visit me in college to commiserate about his broken heart (which I was not responsible for). This song was an attempt to cheer him up.

My Heart Talking: This is a song written during my Vista days when my apartment was constantly full with friends and strangers who needed a place to sleep or to eat or just someone to talk to. One of the boys wanted to impress his girlfriend, who was studying in UITM Arau. So we started with writing the lyrics first, and I wrote the melody a few days later. He could not sing this, so we recorded it on a cassette tape and he gave it to her together with a bunch of flowers the next time he went to visit. The relationship did not last of course, they were only 19! But oh to be that young and that naively optimistic in love all over again.

Wishlist: Wishlist took 4 years to write. The melody has been at the back of my mind since 1995 and I was humming it everywhere I went. But I could not seem to find the right words. There were many aborted attempts at writing the lyrics, until one night a friend remarked that it was a song in A minor. We laughed at the cheesiness of the combination of chords. So for the longest time, the working title for this was “A Cheesy Song”. Right around the same time Pearl Jam released an album that contained a song called Wishlist. The word “Wishlist” stuck to my mind and eventually I saw this song as two people, who knew how each other felt, but would rather it remain un-said than spoken out loud.  Wishes that didn’t come true. Just a list. The song wrote itself after that. This is my most requested song, maybe because everyone at some point of their lives has experienced the pain of unrequited love? I don’t know. I used to hate singing it because I didn’t understand why telling someone you love him/her is so difficult. Learned my lesson since.

Phase 2: This was written in late 2004. Awa was just learning to play the guitar and was trying to figure out how to play this so I recorded it in her laptop as a suprise. I was in a great relationship with a great guy but was uncomfortable with him worshipping the ground that I walked on. What if he discovers the real me? What if he hates the real me? Love goggles. Scary thing, that.

Needful Things: A close friend was going through a personal tragedy. But I was not able extricate myself away from work to be there for him. I spent two days locked in my room listening to “P.S. A Retrospective” by Toad the Wet Sprocket to work through my guilt. There was a song called “I Will Not Take These Things for Granted” on the album. That line spurred me to write this as my apology of sorts. It didn’t bring me much comfort and I have never been able to perform this without having to stop a few times to calm down. It has only been performed in public once, and I think it will remain that way.

As I Hold Your Hand: This, too, was written to impress someone’s girlfriend during Vista days. But the boy decided not to go ahead with it so it remained unfinished. Not long after I started having problems sleeping at night, something that persisted til today. The weekend before that I had slept at my sister’s place and my niece held on to my hand the whole night to calm me down. I doubt if she remembers that. A close friend was sleeping over one night, I went out to the living room to wake him up and asked if it was okay for me to hold his hand for a while until I get sleepy. He laughed at the unusual request but acquiesced. Til today, I sleep with one hand holding the other across my heart. That was how I decided to finish this song, that sometimes you don’t have to say or do anything – a hug, a hand to hold – and all that needs to be said would have been perfectly understood.

Can’t Change You: I wrote this song in one night. People change. Feelings change. That’s all I can say and that is all there is to it.

Spare Me (Your Snactches of Time): 2003. I was sick of being a convenient friend. It happened just once too many times.

Scream At Me: This was a poem that I set to song. The room in my old apartment faced Sunway Pyramid. It was raining very lightly and the lights from the mall glowed like stars. At that exact moment I was overcame with a terrible sense of loneliness and longing for someone that I haven’t spoken to or seen for a very long time. Sometimes things just get so screwed up and stubborn that way. What can you do?

Goodbye Song: I have a very vivid memory of this song. I was playing Wild Arms 3 on the playstation when suddenly I was hit by an uneasy feeling so strong that I stopped playing and looked for my mobile phone immediately. I dialed a number and blurted: babe, if you are with someone else you are breaking my heart. He went very quiet. I am sorry, he said. I didn’t mean for you to be the last to know. Much to my shock, I burst into tears.  I was genuinely sad that it was confusing. There was no reason for it. We were not in a relationship. We were just friends, plain and simple. I did not have that kind of feelings for him. But something clicked in my head that night and suddenly I understood all the words between the lines. The cassette tape that I found a few weeks later, and “Revelation”, the song that followed, was written for him. I guess I am not that good at reading clues. Awa told me to let it go, not only that it was not meant to be, she said, he was never yours to begin with. This is the same boy that flashes through my mind when I hear the song “Drawing” by Mr. Children. The guilt lasted for years and it was only in 2007 that we reconnected. But you can’t go back, can you? And the friendship was never the same again.

Puisi Akhir Musim Bunga: This was the first song that I wrote in Bahasa Melayu. The title was the title of a poem that I liked when I was a teenager and two lines in the chorus were taken directly from the song “Rindu Abadi” by Rausyanfikir. I wrote this in late 2004 and intended to perform it at the Starbucks Songwriter series, but I ended up using a different repertoire altogether. It was written after receiving a phone call from someone whom I used to go out with. We were on good terms (still are) and I asked why did we break up at the first place. He said I don’t know, you were the one who dismissed me one day. The word “dismiss” stayed with me for a long time. Hearing him saying it without a hint of irony or anger made me feel ashamed about how reckless I was (am?) with other people’s heart.

Phase 3: Is there such thing as the love of your life? Does soulmate exist? I don’t know. But if there is, this was written for him. Vee came up to me when I was done singing this, the one and only time I performed it in public, and gave me a hug. That song was very telling, she said, but I hope and I know you will be fine some day. I am still waiting for that day :-(

Stupid Reasons:  Why do people lie and give me stupid reasons and pretend that they are ok, that they are not in pain, that they can live without a heart?

Amused: I never forget. I can laugh about it. But I don’t forget. Remember that.

Let’s Not Talk About Ifs: For a boy that keeps reappearing in my life, trying to make amends for past choices. I am not bitter or angry. It’s just that talking about ifs is very tiring and trying.  I don’t think we were a victim of circumstance, I think we are  romanticizing a past that did not happen. We would have made the same choices today. The reasons that made us do what we did were real and they exist as long as we do. Nothing’s changed.

Yang Sebenarnya: When giving up and walking away is the best option. Love, is almost always, never enough. Like Job said, it is like a broken glass. Even if you are able to put it back together, the glass will never be the same again. I guess when being together hurts more than being apart, the decision is already made for you.

I Wrote This: Valentine’s Day 2000. It was raining and I was working late. As I waked to the taxi I stepped on dead rose petals that were scattered on the pavement. It wasn’t depressing, it was just sad. This is my favourite song. It is about acceptance – admitting that I am not fine but knowing that I am going to be ok… some day. And if I close my eyes  and breathe real slowly, I can still remember how I felt that night. And that gives me hope because hard as it was, I got through that difficult moment alone and on my own terms, and I am still alive.

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Credit:

Local Time 3, photo by Saveem (all rights reserved and restored to owner)